Holding patterns

"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting." -Hook

My family is in quiet rotation, holding space for my grandmother as she passes from this world. The things that made her who she is have been slipping away from us for years. The artist, singer, gardener, mother and matriarch I have known my whole life has been slipping into dementia. 

I like to think that she has done and seen everything she wanted. She travelled, sang, painted, took photos, held her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. There are so many joyful things that I remember about her. 

But I think the most important thing she ever taught me wasn't about joy at all. Nanny was a very balanced person. She believed in love, art, joy and beauty. But, equally, she found the value in pain, grief, destruction and sadness. There is no light without the dark. 

So, in this silent vigil, I am holding a place for the beautiful sadness. It must be beautiful because it is born of the joy and beauty of her life.