Cease and Resist

Last year this time I was coming down off a pretty long manic high that had me exercising at 4 am, eating an all vegan, plant-based, whole foods diet, and I was convinced it would heal my woes. I thought I'd be able to go off all my psych meds and start living my life for real. In reality, I was having a very disordered relationship with food and movement. I fed back into my own mania by abusing caffeine and restricting my food intake. I felt clean and holy. 

This is the lie that diet culture tells us about our bodies. It's a pretty common lie from a lot of moralistic cultures. Things that go against the norm are dirty, evil, wrong and the people doing them deserve to suffer. You see it over and over again, fatphobia, homophobia, transphobia, and let's not forget the ultimate dirty/clean dichotomy, STI status. 

My favorite one is "Don't put your dick in crazy" like its catching. And that one is a double play because it implies that women are always the crazy ones. Actually, it's kind of a triple because it also implies that the only thing you could possibly want to do with said crazy chick is fuck and run. 

A lot of my therapy work this past year has been about undoing the harmful rhetoric that I've assimilated from our culture. It's hard work. You have to identify which thoughts are yours and which you've just started accepting because it's all you've ever known. Like the inherent implication that some objects and actions are more virtuous than others. Brown rice is more saintly than white. Chastity is more heavenly than promiscuity. Working for a living is the ultimate goal for everyone, everywhere and the only sanctified measure of value and identity. 

Identity is such a complex thing. We distill it down to a few words. It's usually your gender, your profession and your sexual orientation. In vanilla circles, it's even smaller, just your profession. I have had to come to grips with the fact that I am more than the things I do to make income. Come to grips with the flaws in my long held belief system. 

In a way it is immensely freeing. Completely, horrifically, terrifying, but also freeing. Once you've acknowledged that the accumulation of wealth is not only unattainable, but undesirable, you are suddenly free to prioritize the things that really matter to your life. My number one concern right now is my health. I am prioritizing getting healthcare, taking time to heal, and also acknowledging that I may not ever be healthy. I want to take care of my body and live in peace. 

It's time for a whole new view.