A loaded subject

"I'm staring down the double barrel of diabetes and pancreatitis and just for fun, mental illness is hopping around in the back waving a pistol at my head" ~Megan Davis 1/24/2020

The thing about it is that no single condition that inhabits my faulty meat suit is responsible for completely debilitating me.  It's more of a group effort.  The physical conditions impact the mental conditions which then impact the physical conditions and so on and so on, ad nauseam.

Today, for example, I woke up early and did some yoga.  I had my coffee and played a game on my phone.  I then spent several hours trying to straighten out some bureaucratic nonsense to do with my healthcare coverage.  My mental health creaked a little under the strain, which cause stomach upset, which aggravated by pancreas, and so after spending four hours on the phone, in government offices and weeping, I got to spend half an hour dry heaving on the floor of the bathroom.

It's a glamorous blog here, folks!

If there were just one, or even two or three, chronic conditions in the mix it would be so much simpler.  Do you know how amazing it would be to experience a symptom say, pain, and know that in all likelihood my single chronic illness was likely to blame?  Abdominal pain, why it's your pancreas, Megan! Instead it's this giant guessing game of which part of my body or brain is losing structural integrity at this very moment. 

The real answer is that it's all of the above.  I live in a faulty meat suit.  This shoddy body of mine.  It looks good from certain angles but the reality is that it's mostly held together by yoga and Gatorade.

How do you live a full life with the certain knowledge that your body will bend, break and fail you over and over again? 

I am holding my life in an open palm.  If I try to do too much, the body breaks, if I don't do enough living the brain and mind start to crumble.  I just have to wake up, breathe and try to stay alive for one more day.