Heavy subjects

For as long as I can remember, I've been fat. After a lot of work, I don't see this as the derogatory, death sentence that fatphobia tells me it is. Science tells us that healthy behaviors are far more predictive of healthy bodies than the number on the scale. (Read Health at Every Size, by Linda Bacon, I'm not foot noting a blog post)

I have a difficult time with body positivity for own body. It seems intent on thumbing its nose at me and I just don't feel all great about it. I eat nutritious food and my body just pukes it back out, or doesn't absorb the nutrients, or refuses to digest things altogether. Body positivity is a challenge when your body is faulty. I strive for body neutrality. 

I am working very hard at treating my body with love.

A loaded subject

"I'm staring down the double barrel of diabetes and pancreatitis and just for fun, mental illness is hopping around in the back waving a pistol at my head" ~Megan Davis 1/24/2020

The thing about it is that no single condition that inhabits my faulty meat suit is responsible for completely debilitating me.  It's more of a group effort.  The physical conditions impact the mental conditions which then impact the physical conditions and so on and so on, ad nauseam.

Today, for example, I woke up early and did some yoga.  I had my coffee and played a game on my phone.  I then spent several hours trying to straighten out some bureaucratic nonsense to do with my healthcare coverage.  My mental health creaked a little under the strain, which cause stomach upset, which aggravated by pancreas, and so after spending four hours on the phone, in government offices and weeping, I got to spend half an hour dry heaving on the floor of the bathroom.

It's a glamorous blog here, folks!

If there were just one, or even two or three, chronic conditions in the mix it would be so much simpler.  Do you know how amazing it would be to experience a symptom say, pain, and know that in all likelihood my single chronic illness was likely to blame?  Abdominal pain, why it's your pancreas, Megan! Instead it's this giant guessing game of which part of my body or brain is losing structural integrity at this very moment. 

The real answer is that it's all of the above.  I live in a faulty meat suit.  This shoddy body of mine.  It looks good from certain angles but the reality is that it's mostly held together by yoga and Gatorade.

How do you live a full life with the certain knowledge that your body will bend, break and fail you over and over again? 

I am holding my life in an open palm.  If I try to do too much, the body breaks, if I don't do enough living the brain and mind start to crumble.  I just have to wake up, breathe and try to stay alive for one more day.

2020: Fatter, louder and gayer than ever before

Greetings!

Welcome to the new and improved blog, The Shoddy Body, by Megan Davis.

Who is Megan Davis?

That's me!  I am a queer, fat, femme who happens to live with multiple chronic illnesses.  This blog will chronicle my journey in transitioning from full time work to professional patient.  

Spoiler: I live in the USA so expect plenty of complaining about Social Security, healthcare and fatphobia.

What is a chronic illness?

A chronic illness is a long-term health condition that may not have a cure. Chronic illnesses can be progressive (gradually worsening), episodic (condition increases and decreases in severity), or simply constant. 

What's wrong with you?

First of all, don't ever ask anyone that ever again.  That said, I live with multiple chronic illnesses, including, chronic pancreatitis, PTSD, and bipolar disorder type I.

But, Megan, you don't look sick!

Fooled you! I'm still sick even though I don't look like it.  In addition to chronic illnesses I identify as disabled. Due to the nature of my illnesses I suffer from such lovely benefits like nausea, vomiting, mania, depression, panic attacks, chronic pain and extreme fatigue.  Sometimes, I even use a wheelchair.

A wheelchair?!? You're not paralyzed!  Why can't you walk?

Along with 6.8 million other people in the USA, I use mobility aids. This means that depending on my health (which, as we addressed earlier, is variable) I may need a cane or crutch at times but, also, I sometimes use a wheelchair.  I am an ambulatory wheelchair user.  This means that I need the wheelchair to transport myself but I'm able to use my legs and walk shorter distances most of the time.  Part of my current healthcare journey is getting a wheelchair approved and provided by Medicaid. This is an ongoing saga.

Still with me?

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